Saturday, November 3, 2012

(Very) Personal Epiphany/Confession

Hello everyone!

I don't often talk about the real personal things that go on in my life, but this is actually relevant, I think.  

I think I may have found the reason why I just can't seem to lose weight, stick to a program, etc. 

Having low self-esteem does a lot of damage to goal achievement, be it weight loss, education, career advancement, etc.  For many years (and I am still struggling with) I have often thought of myself as worthless, no matter what I weighed.  Even when I was a slim teenager, I still had that nagging voice in my head giving me the idea that I was a piece of crap. It was likely caused by a variety of factors.

Fast forward to now, when I have been trying to lose all of this weight I have gained.  I have the drive, I have the desire, I know it's the right thing to do for myself.  But it never happens.  Why?  Because thoughts that go through my head include but definitely are not limited to:

"Even if you do lose weight, nobody will like you any  better."  

"Why bother losing weight when you're still going to be ugly, just in a smaller size of clothes."

"Why do all this hard work when there will ultimately be no real payoff?" 

"I'm not worth the effort, so why bother?"

Just an example of the kinds of thoughts I often think about myself.

Having an all-or-nothing attitude does not help.  Going all or nothing and failing repeatedly just made me feel even worse about myself and so much less hopeful about becoming healthy. 

I am now actively seeking help for this, in hopes that it will, in fact, improve my life.  I already do feel a little better after actually talking about it with my therapist, and now with you.  It was actually very uncomfortable, awkward, and strange to actually express it but at the same time it's quite empowering once you've done it.

If you are also feeling "not good enough" to do anything, please do seek help.  As I said, low self esteem destroys (and sadly sometimes ends) lives. 

I really do want to do Metamorphosis again starting on Monday, this time while getting help for the self-hating I do on a regular basis, I am curious about the outcome this time. (Already bought my groceries for the week)

1 comment:

  1. I struggle very much like you do. After recovering several times from anorexia (I am 28 with 3 kids) I still have these feelings all the time. I often write about it in my blog for others who are having a hard time. <3 <3